it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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