He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
