I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
