Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
foreskin is a definite game changer
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
