its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
