I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
