Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
