I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize