if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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