I'm jealous of your bromance
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She's the barista slut.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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