I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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