I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
