Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
