So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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