mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the day after is always just damage control
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
