I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
