no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
