i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
