Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I want her autograph on my taint
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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