just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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