Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
