I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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