If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
