Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
