if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We talked him into tasing himself.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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