I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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