Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
