I can tuck mytits in my pants
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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