Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
