i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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