There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
