I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
