I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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