I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize