We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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