Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
