FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
