i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
