I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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