I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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