dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So much Jack, so little girl.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
