sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
we should paint friendship bongs
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
