Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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