He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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