I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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