Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize