words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
