I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
