Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
