maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize