Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
