my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
