he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
