Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
